Tonight was a wake up call that I have been feverishly avoiding for the past few years; one of those harsh and cruel realities that come up and bite you in the ass when you least want to be facing it. I consider myself so lucky that I have had the blessing, privilege, and honor of growing up with 3 of my 4 grandparents. It is something that not many children get to experience, and for my sister and me, our grandparents are as close to us as our parents are. With only one first cousin (who lives hundreds of miles away), Elana and I have never had to share our grandparents, and for most of our lives they have been our safe havens, our comfort zones, our balance, and our source of light in dark times. As little girls we idolized our grandparents, and to this day, whenever we have needed them, they have always been right there for us; no questions asked.
My grandparents drove up to Sacramento to visit my sister a few days ago, and while they were there the 3 of them got into a little car accident. Though the accident didn't hurt any of them, the stresses of the day, combined with the accident, combined with old age, failing health, lack of food, and lack of sleep, showed a frailty of body and mind in my grandparents (especially my Zayde) that I have scarcely allowed myself to acknowledge. When people are as important to you as my grandparents are to me, you never think that there will be a day when they are not around; a day when you can't just pop over to their house, or call to talk to them when you need to be comforted or are seeking advice.
After the events of today my mother told me the one truth that I have always crushed under the heels of denial. The truth that I know exists, but have refused to believe or acknowledge... The truth that when I leave for Israel I may never see one or more of my beloved grandparents again... When she said it I remained surprisingly composed despite feeling like I had just been punched in the stomach by the boxing champion of the world. It wasn't until I was alone in my room that I let it hit me... My grandparents are all over 80, my Zayde is in end stage renal failure, my muzzy is not in good health, and though my bubby will outlive us all, who knows what her state will be without my Zayde. There is a definite possibility that July 24, 2011 might be the last time I see some or all of them. How does one even comprehend this. How can you make sense of something that makes no sense. These are my idols, my best friends, my heroes. They will always be around; they just have to be...
I've never liked to think about death. To be honest, it scares the shit out of me. The ultimate finality is such a hard thing for me to comprehend. It wasn't until my step brother David passed away that I really started to think about, and understand, that life is so precious, and one day every one of us will have to leave this world. But even with that knowledge, it is still so hard to think of death as something that is so close to you. As both a loved one that has to watch as death takes away those closest to us, to a human being that will one day fall victim to death's claim, it is a reality that needs to be acknowledged, but one that is the most devastating to face.
For a quick moment I thought of not going. How can I leave these 3 wonderful people who might have very limited time left? And then the thought of my Zayde skinning me alive for the mere thought of giving up my life and dreams because he MIGHT pass away (or because any of them might pass away), snapped the thought out of my head. My Zayde is as stubborn as I am and I know he would tell me "I should have died 30 years ago. I have lived a good long life, and I am ready to go." And I know that they have all lived wonderful, long lives, and it would kill each of them if I didn't allow myself to live my own, so that when I'm a fiesty octogenarian I can yell at my grandkids and say "when I was your age I had a choice to live my dreams or skulk around waiting for my grandparents to die, so get your ass on that plane and go do amazing things..." but it still scares me. And so I will enjoy every second with them for this next month, teach them all how to use skype, and pray that they are waiting for me at the airport 15 months from now when I come back home to all of them. And for each of them, especially my Zayde, I will do everything I can to make sure this year is one of the best, most meaningful of my life.
Until next time
Monday, June 20, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Life Is What Happens To You While You're Busy Making Other Plans
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans". These fantastically brilliant words, from the lips of the very eccentric Woody Allen, are all too true, especially in my life (as this post will eloquently illustrate)!
If you know me at all you know that I am completely obsessed with the Middle East region, and am constantly explaining that my Judaism is my identity and my soul, while Arabic is my true love. I mean if it wasn't a blatant lie I would just tell everyone I was a Jewish Arab, and it would be so much less complicated that constantly telling everyone how I came to acquire this obsession with the Arabic language, and Arab culture, though I'm Jewish and blah blah blah. I mean hey I look the part! People in Israel were constantly asking me where in Lebanon I was from (which was a HUGE compliment for me). Anyways, due to my love for the region I was trying to find a good program in the Middle East that would take me to new places and afford me one hell of a travel experience. Initially I had planned on Egypt... Well, referring back to Woody Allen's quote, I planned and God laughed. Soon after I had found a couple decent options in Egypt, protests and demonstrations rocked the land, and though they were nothing short of revolutionary, that was clearly not the place to go if you were an American (and Jewish on top of that).
Ok so Egypt was out. Then I thought well maybe Morocco. It's in North Africa so the Arabic would be a bit different, but it is such an exotic, beautiful place to visit. So, after researching a few programs, and finding one that looked amazing, I decided that Morocco was definitely the place to go. Well again, I planned... God laughed. I contacted the program specifically to inquire about the host families knowing that Arabic was the language I wanted to focus on. I wanted to be sure I could live with a host family that spoke the language. Well that didn't happen. The coordinator wrote me back saying that though most families understand the Arabic dialect, most of them only use French in their homes and with host program participants... Well that was all I needed to hear to know that this program was definitely not the right one for me, and there was really nothing else that would entice me to go to Morocco aside from this program.
Bye bye Morocco... Now where to go? Taking my mother's overactive nerves into consideration, Syria, Lebanon, Yemen, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, and well, much of the rest of the Middle East region were really out of the question. Though I was looking for an exotic experience, I wanted to minimize the amount of life threatening situations I put myself in, and being an American, Jewish, female would not have been a great combo for the above mentioned countries. Now I was really at a loss. I wanted to get out of the USA so badly, and wanted to be in the East, but I was just not finding anything that matched up with my travel abroad wants and needs. After much self battling, I decided that I might actually have to go somewhere that was not an Arabic speaking country... DEVASTATION!
Then came India; I had done it. I had found the perfect internship program! I applied through a company that found international internships for post graduates in China and Mumbai, and I couldn't have been happier. This was the exotic, life changing experience I was so passionate about finding. I was accepted to the program , and then told that it would take about a month to place me in an internship in Bollywood. The plan was to head over to India in August and intern for 4 months, and then hope to find work (or get discovered... either one :-p) in order to allow me to stay abroad for 9-12 months. I was FINALLY done searching. Mumbai here I come... O WAIT... Well I had applied and been accepted in December, and told it would take about a month to find my internship placement. Well by May (5 months later), they STILL hadn't placed me anywhere. I couldn't understand what was going on, and all they would tell me was that the bollywood studios were very busy and I wasn't a high priority. That's all fine and dandy, but I was only 3 months away from leaving and I needed to know the plan so I could secure visas, travel essentials, vaccinations, etc. Since I was getting very nervous I decided to see what options were still out there just in case India fell through.
Well all I have to say next is that God must have been hysterical with my India plan, because as I was researching alternatives, I came across a graduate program in Israel that was basically designed for me. It is a program for a Master's in Middle Eastern Studies and Diplomacy, and it requires you to learn both Hebrew and Arabic. Since my life plan is to save the Middle East one day those are two very important languages to learn in my opinion! I only had a few days until the deadline, but I decided to apply just to see what would happen. By the time I got my recommendations in and submitted the application I was two days past deadline, and knew that nothing would come of it. And, what do you know, I was wrong again! about 2 weeks later I got a personal letter from the head of admissions saying that I had been accepted to the program for 2011-2012!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it! How could this happen?!?!? Divine intervention was playing a huge hand in this. As my friend Stephanie said, India was something to hold onto until this came along, but this was really HIS plan for you. In a way I feel like this has always been HIS plan for me; my need to be in the Middle East, my love for the region, the religions, the languages, and my love for Israel. Now not only am I going to get my Master's degree, but I will be studying what I love, learning two languages, and will have the resources to travel all over the Middle East doing research. My classes will take me to Egypt, Jordan, Morocco, Tunisia, the Palestinian territories, and Turkey. It was a full circle, but in the end I get to go everywhere I initially wanted to go (and I get a Master's degree to show for it!).
We may not know why things happen the way they do, or we may be impatient and not want to wait around until what we are meant to do comes along, but though it may take months, or years, the things which we are meant to do seem to always unfold and reveal themselves, at least in my case. My path took a great many turns, but I'm going exactly where I need to be, and doing exactly what I need to be doing. It's going to be one hell of a ride, but I now have a gift of 15 months to learn 2 languages, become the first Jewish, American Arabic singer :-), travel all over the Middle East, and begin my journey to instill changes in a region that is as explosive as it is amazing.
And with that I confirmed my acceptance, paid my deposit, and will be leaving July 25th!
Until next time :-),
Jordana Simone
If you know me at all you know that I am completely obsessed with the Middle East region, and am constantly explaining that my Judaism is my identity and my soul, while Arabic is my true love. I mean if it wasn't a blatant lie I would just tell everyone I was a Jewish Arab, and it would be so much less complicated that constantly telling everyone how I came to acquire this obsession with the Arabic language, and Arab culture, though I'm Jewish and blah blah blah. I mean hey I look the part! People in Israel were constantly asking me where in Lebanon I was from (which was a HUGE compliment for me). Anyways, due to my love for the region I was trying to find a good program in the Middle East that would take me to new places and afford me one hell of a travel experience. Initially I had planned on Egypt... Well, referring back to Woody Allen's quote, I planned and God laughed. Soon after I had found a couple decent options in Egypt, protests and demonstrations rocked the land, and though they were nothing short of revolutionary, that was clearly not the place to go if you were an American (and Jewish on top of that).
Ok so Egypt was out. Then I thought well maybe Morocco. It's in North Africa so the Arabic would be a bit different, but it is such an exotic, beautiful place to visit. So, after researching a few programs, and finding one that looked amazing, I decided that Morocco was definitely the place to go. Well again, I planned... God laughed. I contacted the program specifically to inquire about the host families knowing that Arabic was the language I wanted to focus on. I wanted to be sure I could live with a host family that spoke the language. Well that didn't happen. The coordinator wrote me back saying that though most families understand the Arabic dialect, most of them only use French in their homes and with host program participants... Well that was all I needed to hear to know that this program was definitely not the right one for me, and there was really nothing else that would entice me to go to Morocco aside from this program.
Bye bye Morocco... Now where to go? Taking my mother's overactive nerves into consideration, Syria, Lebanon, Yemen, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, and well, much of the rest of the Middle East region were really out of the question. Though I was looking for an exotic experience, I wanted to minimize the amount of life threatening situations I put myself in, and being an American, Jewish, female would not have been a great combo for the above mentioned countries. Now I was really at a loss. I wanted to get out of the USA so badly, and wanted to be in the East, but I was just not finding anything that matched up with my travel abroad wants and needs. After much self battling, I decided that I might actually have to go somewhere that was not an Arabic speaking country... DEVASTATION!
Then came India; I had done it. I had found the perfect internship program! I applied through a company that found international internships for post graduates in China and Mumbai, and I couldn't have been happier. This was the exotic, life changing experience I was so passionate about finding. I was accepted to the program , and then told that it would take about a month to place me in an internship in Bollywood. The plan was to head over to India in August and intern for 4 months, and then hope to find work (or get discovered... either one :-p) in order to allow me to stay abroad for 9-12 months. I was FINALLY done searching. Mumbai here I come... O WAIT... Well I had applied and been accepted in December, and told it would take about a month to find my internship placement. Well by May (5 months later), they STILL hadn't placed me anywhere. I couldn't understand what was going on, and all they would tell me was that the bollywood studios were very busy and I wasn't a high priority. That's all fine and dandy, but I was only 3 months away from leaving and I needed to know the plan so I could secure visas, travel essentials, vaccinations, etc. Since I was getting very nervous I decided to see what options were still out there just in case India fell through.
Well all I have to say next is that God must have been hysterical with my India plan, because as I was researching alternatives, I came across a graduate program in Israel that was basically designed for me. It is a program for a Master's in Middle Eastern Studies and Diplomacy, and it requires you to learn both Hebrew and Arabic. Since my life plan is to save the Middle East one day those are two very important languages to learn in my opinion! I only had a few days until the deadline, but I decided to apply just to see what would happen. By the time I got my recommendations in and submitted the application I was two days past deadline, and knew that nothing would come of it. And, what do you know, I was wrong again! about 2 weeks later I got a personal letter from the head of admissions saying that I had been accepted to the program for 2011-2012!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it! How could this happen?!?!? Divine intervention was playing a huge hand in this. As my friend Stephanie said, India was something to hold onto until this came along, but this was really HIS plan for you. In a way I feel like this has always been HIS plan for me; my need to be in the Middle East, my love for the region, the religions, the languages, and my love for Israel. Now not only am I going to get my Master's degree, but I will be studying what I love, learning two languages, and will have the resources to travel all over the Middle East doing research. My classes will take me to Egypt, Jordan, Morocco, Tunisia, the Palestinian territories, and Turkey. It was a full circle, but in the end I get to go everywhere I initially wanted to go (and I get a Master's degree to show for it!).
We may not know why things happen the way they do, or we may be impatient and not want to wait around until what we are meant to do comes along, but though it may take months, or years, the things which we are meant to do seem to always unfold and reveal themselves, at least in my case. My path took a great many turns, but I'm going exactly where I need to be, and doing exactly what I need to be doing. It's going to be one hell of a ride, but I now have a gift of 15 months to learn 2 languages, become the first Jewish, American Arabic singer :-), travel all over the Middle East, and begin my journey to instill changes in a region that is as explosive as it is amazing.
And with that I confirmed my acceptance, paid my deposit, and will be leaving July 25th!
Until next time :-),
Jordana Simone
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Words To Live By
A few weeks ago, as I was enjoying some much needed hot tub + red wine + best friend time, I was introduced to a poem that is profound in every sense of the word. Though I am not very well versed in poetry, this is one poem whose words people should strive to live by.
Desiderata:
Poem by Max Ehrmann
Desiderata:
Poem by Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Life is a crazy game we play, but if we can be happy... we win.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Namaste India
It all started with a movie; a life changing, fantastic, heart warming Hindi film that impacte my life beyond anything I could have ever imagined. If you know me at all, you wouldn't be surprised that India wasn't even on my radar as far as places to travel to. I only wanted to be in an Arabic speaking country (no matter the dangers), and I was hell bent to not change that plan. I kept trying to make programs fit my needs, even one's that clearly wouldn't give me the type of experience I so desperately desired, just so that I could live in a place where Arabic was spoken. And then I saw My Name Is Khan... life changed... I was suddenly exposed to a vibrant, colorful, musical culture that swept me off my feet. From then on I not only fell madly in love with Shahrukh Khan (the star of the film), but I fell in love with India; the colors, the music, the dancing, the traditions, and so on. I don't know what exactly it was, but I knew from then on that India was the only place that was going to give me the kind of experience I was looking for. I tend to thrive when I am thrown into situations and places that are completely foreign and unfamiliar, and, well, India is just that; completely foreign and totally unfamiliar. My friends all tell me that I have an ethnic soul, so I think that it is marvelously appropriate that in August I will be moving to one of the most ethnic locations in the world.
As silly as it might sound, it is easy to feel far away from God in the good ole' US of A. Though I will be the first one to argue that America is the best place in the world to live (and we as Americans are so incredibly lucky to enjoy the freedoms and luxuries that we have the privilage of enjoying), there always feels like something is missing, like religion just isn't so important on a national scale. After coming back from Israel, a holy land to some of the worlds most prominent religions, I felt so connected to my faith and so close to God. Religious holidays shut the major cities down, celebrations were held in the streets, walking around you would hear the Muslim call to prayer, followed by Hebrew chants coming from the inside of synagogues, while nuns and monks walked around inside the walls of the old city. God and religion were everywhere. This is something that is, for better or worse, foreign to the modern west, and the spirituality of India was just as intoxicating to me as her vibrant culture. I'm goint to India to find myself, rediscover my connection with God, learn about new religions, and, God willing, find my path in life.
Now about this internship. Like I said, it all started with a Hindi film, so it is extremely fitting that I will be spending my time in India interning in the Hindi film industry (a.k.a Bollywood!). I have never been so excited for anything in my life! I will be starting in August and will go for a 6 month internship. The exact details of the internship won't be known for another month, but my goal is to intern for 6 months, and then hopefully get hired so that I can stay abroad for at least a year. I am buying an open ended ticket and seeing where life takes me!
Stay tuned for more internship details, along with stories from my trip to Berkeley, and in a week and a half I will be visiting one of my grandmother's best friends (who is Indian), and we will be eating a home cooked Indian meal along with teaching me how to tie a Sari!
Namaste,
Jordana
A lifetime in 6 months
And so it begins again:
I have been thinking about this blog a great deal over the past few days, especially with everything that has recently gone on in my life, and at first I was hesitant to start writing in it again because of some comments made to me about very heartfelt and personal previous posts. So, I will say this once, and early on in the post so as to avoid further annoyances from certain people. This blog is about my life; my feelings, my desires, my adventures, my passions, and whatever else I may deem important enough to write about. I apologize if anyone is ever offended by what I write, but know that nothing is written out of malice or ill will. If you read something you don't agree with I encourage discussion and the free expression of opinions, however, if you read my blog and feel you have the right to invalidate my experiences or feelings by comments such as "get over yourself", "no one cares", etc, then you probably should spend your time reading other things. With that said, onto the blog!
Each passing day brings with it new adventures, new feelings, new ideas, and new excitements, so one can only imagine what a time span of 6 months can bring an individual. My last post on this blog was back in August when my life was a whirlwind of not-so-high highs and very low lows. It's a funny thing to, at present, read back on past writings and realize that what used to make you sad now makes you smile, and what you thought was so awful at the time has enabled a change in your life that might never have occured had outcomes been different.
Since that last post so many things have happened it's almost overwhelming to think about! Writing about it all in one sitting would make for an extremely long post that probably no one would want to read, so I will break it up into multiple posts and attempt to do the last 6 months of my life justice.
The Calm After the Storm:
It should come as no surprise that in order to understand how drastically my life has changed, mention needs to be made to a specific event, and the healing process that changed my life. All one would have to do is read the previous posts to understand that a huge change occured in my life last August. If America is the melting pot of cultures, I was the melting pot of emotions. I was sad, then I was angry, then I was sad and angry, then I was content, then I was happy, then I was sad again... well you get it. It also didn't help that I took every excuse and opportunity to keep the wound completely open. I was like a herione addict that knew what I was doing was bad for me, but who couldn't face the withdrawl that comes from change. Then, of all people, my father gave me the talk that changed everything. He told me that I was holding onto smoke; something that was no longer there. The relationship that had made up a huge portion of my Berkeley experience, was now just as over as my undergraduate career. I began to think that though I joked about wanting to be the female Van Wylder, and fail all of my classes so I could stay an undergraduate forever, I never would have actually done so. Well if I wouldn't do that with my academic career, then why was I doing it with my personal life? I was failing myself, failing my dreams, my goals, my true wants and desires, to hold onto...well nothing. Literally the next day, after marveling at how pathetic I was becoming, I cut off all communication and, no exaggeration, my life took flight. Just like that, in a span of 2 or 3 days, that chapter was completely closed and sealed off as a distant memory, and I started working on the only relationship I have any business being in; the one with myself.
A week after ties were cut, I applied for the internship of a lifetime (read next post), was accepted into said internship, and am working hard to save as much money as possible to fund what will inevitably be one of the greates adventures of my life. And, like I said earlier in the post, this may never have come about had circumstances been different. I thank God everyday for the blessings he has bestowed upon me, but most of my thanks goes to the clarity that I was given to see that my life is limitless (and for a person with big dreams this is not something you forsake or take for granted). The sky is truly my limit, and the fact that, prior to the cut off, I wasn't doing everything in my power to soar to the heights that I truly feel I'm destined to reach, was a huge personal abuse. So, now that one chapter is closed, another begins, so stay tuned for all the great details of my soon to be had adventures in INDIA!
-Jordana Simone
I have been thinking about this blog a great deal over the past few days, especially with everything that has recently gone on in my life, and at first I was hesitant to start writing in it again because of some comments made to me about very heartfelt and personal previous posts. So, I will say this once, and early on in the post so as to avoid further annoyances from certain people. This blog is about my life; my feelings, my desires, my adventures, my passions, and whatever else I may deem important enough to write about. I apologize if anyone is ever offended by what I write, but know that nothing is written out of malice or ill will. If you read something you don't agree with I encourage discussion and the free expression of opinions, however, if you read my blog and feel you have the right to invalidate my experiences or feelings by comments such as "get over yourself", "no one cares", etc, then you probably should spend your time reading other things. With that said, onto the blog!
Each passing day brings with it new adventures, new feelings, new ideas, and new excitements, so one can only imagine what a time span of 6 months can bring an individual. My last post on this blog was back in August when my life was a whirlwind of not-so-high highs and very low lows. It's a funny thing to, at present, read back on past writings and realize that what used to make you sad now makes you smile, and what you thought was so awful at the time has enabled a change in your life that might never have occured had outcomes been different.
Since that last post so many things have happened it's almost overwhelming to think about! Writing about it all in one sitting would make for an extremely long post that probably no one would want to read, so I will break it up into multiple posts and attempt to do the last 6 months of my life justice.
The Calm After the Storm:
It should come as no surprise that in order to understand how drastically my life has changed, mention needs to be made to a specific event, and the healing process that changed my life. All one would have to do is read the previous posts to understand that a huge change occured in my life last August. If America is the melting pot of cultures, I was the melting pot of emotions. I was sad, then I was angry, then I was sad and angry, then I was content, then I was happy, then I was sad again... well you get it. It also didn't help that I took every excuse and opportunity to keep the wound completely open. I was like a herione addict that knew what I was doing was bad for me, but who couldn't face the withdrawl that comes from change. Then, of all people, my father gave me the talk that changed everything. He told me that I was holding onto smoke; something that was no longer there. The relationship that had made up a huge portion of my Berkeley experience, was now just as over as my undergraduate career. I began to think that though I joked about wanting to be the female Van Wylder, and fail all of my classes so I could stay an undergraduate forever, I never would have actually done so. Well if I wouldn't do that with my academic career, then why was I doing it with my personal life? I was failing myself, failing my dreams, my goals, my true wants and desires, to hold onto...well nothing. Literally the next day, after marveling at how pathetic I was becoming, I cut off all communication and, no exaggeration, my life took flight. Just like that, in a span of 2 or 3 days, that chapter was completely closed and sealed off as a distant memory, and I started working on the only relationship I have any business being in; the one with myself.
A week after ties were cut, I applied for the internship of a lifetime (read next post), was accepted into said internship, and am working hard to save as much money as possible to fund what will inevitably be one of the greates adventures of my life. And, like I said earlier in the post, this may never have come about had circumstances been different. I thank God everyday for the blessings he has bestowed upon me, but most of my thanks goes to the clarity that I was given to see that my life is limitless (and for a person with big dreams this is not something you forsake or take for granted). The sky is truly my limit, and the fact that, prior to the cut off, I wasn't doing everything in my power to soar to the heights that I truly feel I'm destined to reach, was a huge personal abuse. So, now that one chapter is closed, another begins, so stay tuned for all the great details of my soon to be had adventures in INDIA!
-Jordana Simone
Friday, August 27, 2010
Who am I defined by?
Two days ago I woke up to various facebook notifications and emails alerting me that someone posted a, well, less than encouraging comment on my blog. At first I was furious. Ultimately assuming that said person actually read my blog, which would make them fully aware of this extremely hard time in my life, I sat and wondered how anyone of good heart and decency could say something like "get over yourself", in response to a very emotional and heart felt blog entry. Though I know there are sad, lonely, and pathetic people out there, who only find pleasure from others pain and discomfort, I was still stunned that someone could leave such a stunningly cowardly comment. Was he/she trying to make my pain seem pathetic, or trying to discourage me from writing, or further trying to hurt me? There are two very unfortunate things going on here: the first is that the answer to the above questions are probably all "yes". Yes this person was trying to make my pain seem insignificant; yes this person was trying to make me doubt myself; yes this person was purposefully trying to be hurtful. But what is infinitely worse is that I not only let that comment effect me, but I, for a brief second, let it cause me to doubt myself.
How many times have people held back their ambitions, desires, dreams, and/or talents because they are concerned about what others might think or say about them? I know that I have, and sometimes still do. I have done poorly on auditions, not volunteered for things that I know I would love and be good at, etc. because I have been worried about maybe being judged or made fun of. If there is anything I have learned over the years, and come to appreciate in these few weeks of heartache and hardship, is that I only have one life to live. To pass up anything because of fear of rejection, or fear of what others might say or think, will only hurt me in the long run; it won't upset the jerks out there who love to cause hurt and pain. In fact, my holding back and missing out would only bring them pleasure and a sense of accomplishment. Why anyone would allow those kinds of people to win, in any situation, is a mystery that I have only recently discovered the answer to. There will always be people who are so miserable with their lives that bringing others down is the only way they can feel any kind of satisfaction. There will always be people who are jealous because they don't have the courage to stand up and do what they love, even if it may be silly or foolish. To cope with this they can only bring the accomplished and courageous down in the hopes that it will make them feel less lost and frustrated. In a way I'm glad the comment was made because it not only reaffirmed that there are miserable people out there, but it showed me how much love and support there are from people who want to see you succeed and be happy. It isn't the people who want to see you fail that matter, but the people who want to see you blossom and grow into the best person you can be. These people are who make this sometimes lonely and miserable world worth living in. And so to those people who have nothing better to do than to hurt and bring people down, I welcome you to leave comment after comment hidden under the cowardice of anonymity. You, in turn, will only fuel me to do more, be stronger, heal faster, and continue putting my thoughts and feelings into words to share with whoever might want to take part in my life. And lastly, to those who may have been, or who may be, scared to shine and be amazing because of fear over what others may think or say, just remember that life doesn't issue do-overs. When thinking of who you are defined by, I hope the conclusion reached is that "I define myself" and not "I am defined by my fears of the cowards who love to bring me down".
We only have one shot to make the most out of every opportunity presented to us, so let's take that shot and make it count!
Until next time,
Jordana
How many times have people held back their ambitions, desires, dreams, and/or talents because they are concerned about what others might think or say about them? I know that I have, and sometimes still do. I have done poorly on auditions, not volunteered for things that I know I would love and be good at, etc. because I have been worried about maybe being judged or made fun of. If there is anything I have learned over the years, and come to appreciate in these few weeks of heartache and hardship, is that I only have one life to live. To pass up anything because of fear of rejection, or fear of what others might say or think, will only hurt me in the long run; it won't upset the jerks out there who love to cause hurt and pain. In fact, my holding back and missing out would only bring them pleasure and a sense of accomplishment. Why anyone would allow those kinds of people to win, in any situation, is a mystery that I have only recently discovered the answer to. There will always be people who are so miserable with their lives that bringing others down is the only way they can feel any kind of satisfaction. There will always be people who are jealous because they don't have the courage to stand up and do what they love, even if it may be silly or foolish. To cope with this they can only bring the accomplished and courageous down in the hopes that it will make them feel less lost and frustrated. In a way I'm glad the comment was made because it not only reaffirmed that there are miserable people out there, but it showed me how much love and support there are from people who want to see you succeed and be happy. It isn't the people who want to see you fail that matter, but the people who want to see you blossom and grow into the best person you can be. These people are who make this sometimes lonely and miserable world worth living in. And so to those people who have nothing better to do than to hurt and bring people down, I welcome you to leave comment after comment hidden under the cowardice of anonymity. You, in turn, will only fuel me to do more, be stronger, heal faster, and continue putting my thoughts and feelings into words to share with whoever might want to take part in my life. And lastly, to those who may have been, or who may be, scared to shine and be amazing because of fear over what others may think or say, just remember that life doesn't issue do-overs. When thinking of who you are defined by, I hope the conclusion reached is that "I define myself" and not "I am defined by my fears of the cowards who love to bring me down".
We only have one shot to make the most out of every opportunity presented to us, so let's take that shot and make it count!
Until next time,
Jordana
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The bridge between here and there
Today my mom and I drove my sister up to Sacramento to move her into her new apartment. She is starting her junior year of college and, since I am now a college graduate, I was able to come help out with her big move-in. At first I was excited to get out of the desert, come up north, and throw myself into being busy helping out with the move. I ultimately hoped that my coming up north would take my mind off of recent, unhappy, events. The move-in began with a drive; a very long drive from South to North. I have made the drive from Southern California to Northern California and back so many times that it became so routine and normal; today, however, was completely different. As I left Palm Springs I remembered how happy this drive used to make me. I would either be going up to Berkeley, my home, my college, my practical obsession (I mean I did get a script CAL tattoo...), or I would be driving from Berkeley to come back to everything I love down south; my family, my home, Jordan, his family, and his home. I never minded the 6+ hours trapped in a vehicle. I never minded the looming I-5 freeway because I knew that what was waiting at the end of the road would make the journey well worth it. But today was different. Today the I-5, my bridge between my home up north and down south, felt so empty. A road I have spent so much time on, connected with such excitement and happiness, now just brought painful memories of happier times. As I passed the I-580 interchange my heart sank. Today my old classmates, friends, and sisters were busying themselves with pre-recruitment, shopping for classes, buying very overpriced books, and getting ready to start another amazing fall semester at UC Berkeley. As I passed over the 580w to remain on the I-5 I couldn't help but remember all of those exciting semester beginnings I had experienced, and how that time in my life had just come to a close. I miss it so much, and while I am excited to move on in my quest for adulthood, a part of me wishes that the carefree times of my undergraduate career could have gone on a little longer. I have no doubt that I will be back in Berkeley many times throughout this semester (the first few home games for sure), but I would be foolish to think that it will be similar to the experiences I had when I was a student. My relationship with Berkeley will undoubtedly be different, and preparing for that is astoundingly difficult. Once I had finished thinking about Berkeley, I began to think about my return trip home, which will undoubtedly be harder than the trip up. The past few days have been better for me which is why I was so surprised at how quickly those feelings of hurt and loneliness crept up. Most of my trips from North down South were for the sole purpose of seeing Jordan and his family. I would constantly, and happily, make that 6 hour drive. Now, not only has my going up north changed dramatically, but so too have my travels back down south. Though I will always be excited about going home, home feels so much smaller. I feel like I have lost a home (both in Berkeley and with Jordan), and part of a family, and that, I think, is infinitely harder than merely breaking relationship habits. But changes happen, life goes on, and so, for now, I will have to look at things differently. I have never liked changes, especially when they hurt or are hard; in that sense I am just like my father, but I am teaching myself to embrace those changes, and trying to smile every step of the way.
Wish me luck on the drive down... it won't be an easy one
Until next time,
Jordana
Wish me luck on the drive down... it won't be an easy one
Until next time,
Jordana
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