Friday, August 20, 2010

Give faith a fighting chance

This morning was so hard I thought I wouldn't get out of bed. My body still wakes me up at 8:30 hoping he will call but knowing that he won't. I felt so strong last night only to wake up and feel completely defeated. Everyone says it is the habits I formed with him that are the hardest to get over, and while I agree that those habits are a large part of my saddness, it is also the feeling of loss; loss of a lover, a friend, a companion, that makes me want to hide from the world. I am getting so much comfort from friends and family and am hoping that soon it will be enough. But I still stare at my phone waiting for a call that won't come, cry myself to sleep, and when i wake, hoping it will lift the pressure from my chest, and wish that the right thing wasn't the hard thing. I think the hardest thing is not knowing how he feels through all of this. Is he hurting? Is he crying? Does he need comfort too? And while I'm sure the answer is yes to all of these things I can't help feeling like I'm completely alone in my pain. In a way I think sometimes that would be better because I would never want someone I love as much as him to hurt like I am. I just wish I could stop crying, stop associating everything with him, but at the same time I want to associate everything with him because at least then I feel like he is with me, protecting me, comforting me. I never like to doubt myself but how can something that is supposed to be right hurt so badly. I like to pretend I'm so strong, and I will get through this, but right now even breathing hurts. As my Zayde says "this is the end of a chapter, not a book" and "this too shall pass", and I know that it will, but right now, while the wound is so fresh, it's hard to see a happy ending. Thank goodness for Sarah. We are both going through similar things and have eachother to text goodnight too. my mom still calls my phone to say goodnight and goodmorning, even though we are in the same house, because she knows that will help.
I can't heal here, not so close to him. I need to find a way to get to the Middle East as soon as possible. Every place I have here is a memory with him, and each memory rips at me like a thousand knives. I only want to be with him and knowing that I can't only makes it all worse. I want to get to a point where I stop asking Why? why did this have to happen? Please send your prayers and wishes because I don't have the strength to do this on my own right now... And if you find yourself with a few free minutes when you wake up or before bed send me a text so that I can pull strength from that! I have such wonderful friends and I thank each and every one of you for helping me in your own ways. God willing with your help I will get through this.

Until nex time and with all my love,

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