Last night was possibly one of the hardest nights of my life. I was so empty, lonely, numb, yet so filled with emotions. I tried to stay strong in front of my family, and did relatively well, but sometimes I slipped. Nights will be hard. I look at the time and only think about where Jordan is and what he is doing. Usually after work and before the gym he would call me, after the gym he would call me, and then a few times before bed he would call. Now there is a silent phone. My mom, knowing that I was lonely last night, took her cell phone and called mine to say goodnight (even though we are together in the same house). She knew it would help a little just getting a goodnight call from anyone. I tried to take a soothing bath in the hopes that it would bring some relief to my aching body. Unfortunately when the ache is on the inside external comforts don't work so well. I sat in the warm water, candles lit all around me, and just cried. 30 minutes of remembering 3 years of the happiest times. This morning my body woke me up at 8:30am. Of course I started crying because that is the time I would usually get a good morning call. I'm hoping that everyday the crying lessens and I feel less sick and broken. I'm trying to keep busy in the hopes that it will help with... well anything. I am about to leave for a week to Tahoe with my grandparents. I'm excited to have one last vacation before I start planning my travel adventures, and start working for a few months so that I can afford everything. Everyone send me your prayers because I need strength that I just don't have right now. Thank goodness for my amazing family and friends who are trying with everything they have to help me feel whole. Life is a crazy game and right now I am not winning. But I am alive and thankful for that; thankful for all that I have and will have in the future; Thankful that I feel there is a plan for me, and I intend to find out what that plan is. Everyday I will pray and love and try to be strong. This blog helps me get my feelings down which I need. For a while I will probably have multiple posts a day just trying to work things out. I hope you all read them and are with me through this hard time.
Until later then,