Friday, August 27, 2010

Who am I defined by?

Two days ago I woke up to various facebook notifications and emails alerting me that someone posted a, well, less than encouraging comment on my blog. At first I was furious. Ultimately assuming that said person actually read my blog, which would make them fully aware of this extremely hard time in my life, I sat and wondered how anyone of good heart and decency could say something like "get over yourself", in response to a very emotional and heart felt blog entry. Though I know there are sad, lonely, and pathetic people out there, who only find pleasure from others pain and discomfort, I was still stunned that someone could leave such a stunningly cowardly comment. Was he/she trying to make my pain seem pathetic, or trying to discourage me from writing, or further trying to hurt me? There are two very unfortunate things going on here: the first is that the answer to the above questions are probably all "yes". Yes this person was trying to make my pain seem insignificant; yes this person was trying to make me doubt myself; yes this person was purposefully trying to be hurtful. But what is infinitely worse is that I not only let that comment effect me, but I, for a brief second, let it cause me to doubt myself.
How many times have people held back their ambitions, desires, dreams, and/or talents because they are concerned about what others might think or say about them? I know that I have, and sometimes still do. I have done poorly on auditions, not volunteered for things that I know I would love and be good at, etc. because I have been worried about maybe being judged or made fun of. If there is anything I have learned over the years, and come to appreciate in these few weeks of heartache and hardship, is that I only have one life to live. To pass up anything because of fear of rejection, or fear of what others might say or think, will only hurt me in the long run; it won't upset the jerks out there who love to cause hurt and pain. In fact, my holding back and missing out would only bring them pleasure and a sense of accomplishment. Why anyone would allow those kinds of people to win, in any situation, is a mystery that I have only recently discovered the answer to.  There will always be people who are so miserable with their lives that bringing others down  is the only way they can feel any kind of satisfaction. There will always be people who are jealous because they don't have the courage to stand up and do what they love, even if it may be silly or foolish. To cope with this they can only bring the accomplished and courageous down in the hopes that it will make them feel less lost and frustrated. In a way I'm glad the comment was made because it not only reaffirmed that there are miserable people out there, but it showed me how much love and support there are from people who want to see you succeed and be happy. It isn't the people who want to see you fail that matter, but the people who want to see you blossom and grow into the best person you can be. These people are who make this sometimes lonely and miserable world worth living in. And so to those people who have nothing better to do than to hurt and bring people down, I welcome you to leave comment after comment hidden under the cowardice of anonymity. You, in turn, will only fuel me to do more, be stronger, heal faster, and continue putting my thoughts and feelings into words to share with whoever might want to take part in my life. And lastly, to those who may have been, or who may be, scared to shine and be amazing because of fear over what others may think or say, just remember that life doesn't issue do-overs. When thinking of who you are defined by, I hope the conclusion reached is that "I define myself" and not "I am defined by my fears of the cowards who love to bring me down". 
We only have one shot to make the most out of every opportunity presented to us, so let's take that shot and make it count!

Until next time,


  1. You're defined by me.


  2. I <3 you! Remember you are a "Daugther of the King" and the unconditional love of our God defines you more than anything on this earth ever could!

  3. I've been reading your blog and I feel for you. I've been in a relationship for almost 7 years and I don't know how I'd survive without my other half. Can I asked what happened? Why the split? I see you're doing a lot of soul searching, and I've been having doubts with my relationship. Not about him, I love him, but about being with the same person since high school. Is that the same issues you had in your relationship?

  4. Anonymous,
    I'm sorry it has taken so long to respond to this comment. I haven't been back to my blog for some time. Our issue was that it was a fantastic relationship for college but a relationship that didn't function so well outside of the college bubble. I think we both grew up and realized that we have very different lives, and it was either hold myself back for a relationship that was very shakey, or end things and start living my life. Back when I wrote this post I was hurting very badly, but now I can say it was the perfect decision and my life has only improved since the relationship ended. The healing process afforded me a lot of clarity!